Why
I Will not Emulate Jesus
By Pius Adesanmi
Easter
came with the usual greetings and exhortations from
the
rulers of Nigeria. Religious holidays always
provide an occasion for the Nigerian ruling class to
issue robotic and wooden exhortations asking the people
to emulate the exemplary lives of Jesus or Mohammed.
I’ve had to deal with such exhortations my entire
life. This year, I have decided not to listen to President
Yar’Adua and the thirty-six state Governors. Let
them sell their exhortations to the marines. I have no
intention of emulating Jesus this time around. Rather,
I prefer to don my thinking cap and ask why I am always
asked to emulate Jesus and Mohammed by rulers whose lifestyles
and (mis)handling of our affairs are diametrically opposed
to the prescriptions of both deities. Why are President
Yar’Adua and the state Governors so anxious to
have me emulate Jesus?
The
more I think about it, the more it appears odd that
we are
not being asked to emulate the Nigerian sons of
Jesus who, after all, are closer to the corridors of
power in Abuja and the state capitals than Jesus and
Mohammed combined. Why, for instance, would President
Yar’Adua not ask me to emulate Chris Oyakhilome,
one of Jesus’s more prominent Nigerian sons? Perhaps
the President read it in my stars that I am allergic
to Pastor Chris’s Savile Row suits? Or someone
told him that I wouldn’t look cool in Pastor Kris
Okotie’s Ferragamo shoes and designer wrist watches?
I don’t even mind emulating Pastor Okotie’s
jerry curls but I am growing bald. And how about trying
to emulate travelling in style in private jets like Pastors
Enoch Adeboye and David Oyedepo? Again, why would Abuja
want me to emulate Jesus and not his abundantly-blessed
Nigerian sons? In African culture, father’s pray
for their sons to fare much better than them in life.
Materially. That prayer has worked for the Nigerian sons
of Jesus. Shouldn’t the prayer continue its logical
progression by making sure that we, the grandsons, are
even more materially successful than the pastors listed
above?
I
think I know why the rulers of Nigeria want to turn
back the
hands of the material clock by making us all
look like Jesus and not his contemporary Nigerian sons.
A good number of Nigerians already enjoy the standard
of living Jesus had 2000 years ago and some even live
below what Jesus would have considered the poverty level
of his time, manger, warts and all. By constantly asking
us to emulate him, the rulers of Nigeria are indirectly
expressing their interest in the maintenance of the status
quo. Consider transportation. Jesus covered extraordinary
mileage on foot. The only time he got a ride was when
he “chanced” somebody and conscripted a donkey
for the triumphal entry into Jerusalem. So severe was
the recession at the time that he couldn’t even
afford to buy the donkey. And he was content to enter
Jerusalem in a keteketecade and not a motorcade like
the rulers of Nigeria. Imagine the problems we would
solve for President Yar’Adua if we all agreed to
emulate the transportation tastes of Jesus literally?
He wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of being
asked to perform and rejig our corrupt and comatose petroleum
industry. No more exportation of crude for re-importation
for domestic use. We would all be riding donkeys. That
would also boost the economy of his home state of Katsina
since all the donkeys would come from northern Nigeria.
People
have been complaining about an impending food doom.
The
predictions coming from the international community,
the World Bank, Oxfam, Madonna, Bono, and Jeffrey Sachs
are simply alarming. Every one is predicting massive
food shortages for Africa in the near future. Nigeria
is already having to import rice, beans, and virtually
everything we eat. A good friend of mine here in Ottawa,
Mazi Ebere, used to joke that Nigeria would soon import
elubo and efo riro from China. Today, Mazi Ebere would
be the first to confess that this is now a real possibility
and no longer a joke. We all know that Jesus was constantly
fasting. He once fasted for forty days and forty nights.
Not even the brilliant Lucifer could tempt him to grab
a bite with all the incentives in this world. Imagine
the weight that would be lifted off President Yar’Adua’s
shoulders if 150 million Nigerians decided to emulate
the dietary practices of Jesus by fasting all the time,
especially in the forty days and forty nights preceding
the Presidential elections of 2011? Imagine if we all
refused to eat even if President Yar’Adua bribed
us with miracles such as regular electricity and respite
from armed robbery? No more rice importation. No more
worrying about performing in the agricultural sector!
Surely, getting us to emulate Jesus is President Yar’Adua’s
surest path to a second term in office! That’s
why I will not emulate Jesus at all at all.
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